Sir David the Bard

Church and BYU to start new missionary program

The Church of Jesus Christ, in conjunction with Brigham Young University (BYU) football program, has developed a new strategy of missionary work. The leadership of the Church has determined that lowering the minimum age for missionaries to 18 (19 for women) has not measured up to the expectations of conversion. The result has been to establish a new strategy of "enhanced gospel training". Among other attributes, this new strategy will involve head-butting, eye-gouging, bludgeoning with sports equipment, and other aggressive actions for the Lord. 

The General Authorities assure the Saints that this "outreach" program will also involve the Boy Scouts of America in it's training program.  The young Scouts will be encouraged to spray-paint the gospel message on local area stores, bridges, overpasses, trains, and other community property.  "As roll models, the BYU football team will also instruct the boys on more advanced techniques for spreading the gospel", said one of the Quorum of the Seventy, under the condition of anonymity.
 

Watch video below for "Saints in Action".

 

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